hey, its me again! im gonna try to keep this brief? and im not gonna yap and make fun of myself like normal, if sincerity bothers you what are you even doing here. go touch grass or something not everything needs to be drowned in layers of irony. anyways heres some real shit: im getting back in that rut of not feeling confident in my art, not really enjoying the process at all, stuff like that. theres a lot of stuff i either have no intention of posting or i just straight up didnt finish because i hate it so much. i have a specific direction i want my art to go, but its kinda hard to achieve that when you cant even get the motivation to draw the most basic shit. to be clear the direction i want my art to go is i want to make more surreal cute-horror type shit. surrealism is literally my top favorite type of art of all time. so my art's probably gonna start taking on a slightly different style from here on out, hope you stick around for it, if not thats fine too. but all that to say im probably gonna be offline even more than i already am. i think being online sort of makes me feel less inspired and less motivated? i get stuck in that shitty endless loop of doomscrolling and getting influenced by art that doesnt even interest me just bc thats what the AlGoRiThM wants. and ik with newgrounds that isnt exactly an issue but theres also like the issue that i feel like im not allowed to be vulnerable in my art even though thats literally why i make art to begin with. i'd say for the most part, what you see of me is pretty accurate to my IRL personality. but my public presence is WAY different from how i act in private bc theres simply some stuff i dont want to express to people i dont know. the me you see is still me, just filtered. that said, though, there is still a lot of vulnerable shit in my art. obviously the occasional vent art and ive been making some kink shit lately that i wanna start sharing on here. and i think the only way i can really feel comfortable making art is if i feel like i can express those thoughts and emotions and shit that dont entirely align with peoples' idea of me based on my public profiles. i think i have a right to share more intimate parts of who i am while still having a right to privacy and not feeling obligated to share every single little aspect of my mental health struggles to strangers. so yeah on top of the shift in style there might be a bit more kink and vent art sprinkled in. and "ohhh didnt you already post vent art???" but im gonna be so real that was during an even longer phase of this whole I Fucking Hate My Art moment and half of that shit was just made for the aesthetic and i made up some random nonsense to go along with it so people would think i gave a shit. i was like recently 19 and now im going on 20 next month which is genuinely insane to think about and ive learned a lot about myself, my art process, that kinda shit. honestly i always feel like i gotta apologize for shit like this and ig making this post isnt any exception but, whatever. on the bright side of all of this i finally managed to land a new part time job, so i wont be as financially in the gutter anymore! that will mean even less frequent posting than usual. but i think forcing myself to actually get up and be a functioning member of society for a few hours will be healthy for me. i may be a cog in the machine of capitalism but at least its an avenue for me to start focusing even harder on all my IRL health bullshit. also its at a store thats like 3 minutes away from my house so i get to buy frozen soup dumplings whenever i want. so uh yeah peace ig